It has been three years since the death of my second child, George, who died from a brain tumour just after his thirteenth birthday. He was diagnosed at the aged of eight years.

Each year I have experienced different degrees of grief.  Even though I understand  it is only the body that dies and that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience and that we all have to die and leave this physical reality at some point, there are days that it doesn't help knowing this. The pain continues.  In different forms and in different waves of time. All consuming or bearable.

The grief can become all consuming or just momentary but what is important for me is to allow it to be what it needs to be.  To really allow all of what I feel, acknowledge it, give it a voice, then I can surrender it or choose to hang on some time more.  Allowing my grief to be what it needs to be, I recognise that it is a very personal thing.  For my experience of the grief I feel for the death my son is shaped by so many circumstances and experiences that we shared which are unique to me as his mother. Grief for other family members is a different form for them. Included in this are the beliefs that we hold. Despite this fact it is painful and very sad at some point and at some level for all involved.

When I was a student nurse I remember being told that the definition of pain is what ever the patient says it is, (the Norton Scale) and indeed this is so.  The feelings are normal in an abnormal circumstance.  Truth.

So now I am allowing all of my thoughts and feelings surrounding the death of George to be acknowledged by me and the divine.  I acknowledge and hand over the cause of my pain.  I allow my tears until they stop naturally, I stop judging me.  I stop telling myself that I surely cannot cry so many tears for this long  and I allow myself to say its ok to miss George, even though he is still here.  Instead of holding on to all of this I now feel confident to hand it over.

Delving deeper and deeper into spirituality, moving into the heart and out of the head, I recognise feelings of compassion and love above any mental thought process.  When in grief the mind seems to be ultra alert in memories and I'm up all night or it is foggy and unable to process simple things.  Now is the time to be kind to myself, to stop judging and to say it is OK to feel how I do. This is my reality at the moment, followed by and so.....what am I choosing next.  So I let go, hand over to the divine and eventually the feelings are replaced with peace. 

  If others disagree with your way of living  that is fine.  The should and shouldn'ts are not helpful (mine are usually my own) and I download them into the garbage as soon as I have the awareness. Understanding and compassion is birthed from the experience.  Knowledge of the grieving comes from experience not from a book. Yes these things are helpful and comforting but no one else can walk the walk for us. We have to do this at some point or on some level  eventually.  I had to allow what we really don't want to accept. The choice is always ours.

Then strength comes when we recognise we are still here, still alive and functioning despite what life lessons we walk through. We walk through, crawl through and often are lifted through by the Angels.  Earth Angels and Heavens Angels. The fact is I am still alive despite it all. I thought the pain would kill me and it didn't.

If you are reading this and feel drawn to connect please do.

Part of my work "Living in Bliss"  has been created by this experience.....moving from despair to happiness is possible without chemical assistance but with divine assistance, love and blessings and the five steps I use to live in Bliss x 

with Love from Catherine x